What if you stopped wondering 'What if?'

Question, or tool for endless mental anguish?

What. If?

I’ve come to think of ‘What if?’ not as a question, but as an instrument of self-inflicted torment.

What if I’d taken that job? What if that relationship hadn’t ended? What if I’d stayed? What if I’d gone? What if I’d known? What if I’d listened to my gut instead of following the advice of others?

The list goes on. We can ask ourselves What if? about every decision in life, as with each minor twist or step in a certain direction, we set off a chain of events that we have little control over.

Throughout my twenties, I was a typical Libra — indecisiveness was my middle name. I used to joke, “Don’t ask me what I want to drink, just give me a drink!”

But the trouble was not just with making decisions, it was the internal (infernal) dialogue that came later. What if I’d made a different choice, or any of the other tens of possible options? You think that when you finally choose, that would be it — decision made, now get on with it. Instead, I’d obsess over what might have been, over the many What ifs?

I knew deep down that this difficulty was never what it appeared to be on the surface — it has very little to do with decision-making, and everything to do with people-pleasing, high expectations of myself, fear of judgement, and trying to avoid future regrets.

Trouble with decision-making is actually an inability to COMMIT.

We who don’t want to decide, don’t want responsibility. We can’t commit to just one outcome, because what if there is a better one? So we dither on the sidelines, and in the meantime, we can’t enjoy the lives we have in front of us, because we’re not fully in them. There’s a part of us living out another option in our imaginations.

We think that we can play out every possible scenario, before choosing one. But no matter what we dream up, it will never be anywhere close to the reality. We can never know what will happen, what might have happened, or what might not have happened.

Over the last few years, my relationship to decision-making has transformed. I had to teach myself not to be more decisive, but to commit. To learn what commitment really meant, and how life felt as a result. I had to listen to my intuition, to follow it, and either way, to commit to the decision I had made. That doesn’t mean that there’s no room for adjustment later on, it simply means sitting in one choice rather than in ten, living it fully, without one foot in a different camp.

Learning to commit meant that I could fully experience the beautiful life that was surrounding me, rather than draining my mental energy thinking about other possibilities.

Committing to my decisions was actually committing to myself. It was and still is, an profound act of self-belief.

It led to so much more joy, love and excitement in my life all-round. It led to true alignment. It led to being so much more present, and so much less distracted.

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If you are facing a decision and agonizing over the numerous What ifs? (What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if it’s the wrong decision?) then please, take this as a reminder that no amount of pondering will give you anything close to a true answer of what could happen. All you can do is pick a lane, move forwards, let all the other lanes fall away from your mind. If it doesn’t feel right later on, no problem — it’s never too late to come to another crossroads and begin a different journey.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself wondering about all of the possible lives or experience you might have “missed out” on, then remember: if you had made a different decision, whatever you imagine it would have led to is likely not remotely close to the reality. It’s your imagination, and that’s all. You did your best with what information you had at the time, and if you’re truly not happy with where you’re at now, don’t blame your past self for choices made. Instead, look at what is and isn’t working, and move forward accordingly. It is not the fault of past decisions, and there’s space to change things, always.

I’d love to know, what is your relationship to decision-making and commitment?

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I have some really exciting things coming up over the next few weeks and months, though I can’t share yet! I have a couple of spaces in my calendar for new clients in June/July, so if you’re feeling a little whisper to explore working together, just get in touch.

Wishing you all a beautiful week,

Tamzin xx