"If you realise your dreams, you’ll show others that they can too. If you own your seemingly ‘greedy’ desires, you’ll show those around you that it isn’t actually greedy, at all." Reminds of Glennon Doyle talking about the fact there is no such thing as one way liberation. Needed this reminder that it's not selfish to talk about what we want, especially as women.
These days, my truest want is financial freedom and security. I want to live comfortably, get paid for my artistic work, and be able to regularly support communities in need.
This is what's so beautiful about people like us owning our desire for financial freedom, so often we want to be able to support others with it too. It's the selfish and the selfless at play together, in harmony! We want to earn for our creative work because we are worthy of that while also wanting to earn to be in a position to help others. Magic!
I remember being told ‘I want never gets’ when I was very small and I never forgot it. As a child I remember using the words ‘I would like’ when I really wanted to say I want but thought that would jinx me! The message can be reinforced so frequently it’s taken on deeply, the women I work with find it incredibly difficult to ask for what they want, sometimes to even know what they want.
Exactly! I think writing lists constantly is a good way to reinforce it, to remind ourselves that it is perfectly okay to have wants (I mean, so often, they are just needs rather than wants, aren't they? But again, we're taught not to need either), and to begin to articulate them for ourselves. I still have trouble saying it out loud in company, but I own what I want so much more easily now.
Tamzin this is brilliant. Loved the way you have framed our desires and the guilt that often comes with them. It’s something I’ve been doing some work on myself of late. I grew up in a catholic household and education, where by, it was sinful to want or desire something that was more than you really needed. When we failed to achieve what we really wanted it was always ‘oh well it’s not meant to be’ that perpetual subconscious messaging that we are not meant to have more, be more has been a tough one to shake in my adult life.
Working in the interior design industry, which let’s face it is a high end service, I have struggled with pricing myself and the custom pieces that I make just to make it more affordable to a client but this has then jeopardised my own income. It’s been a tough one to navigate. I’m getting better but it’s hard.
What I want, really want is for our new home to be finished with all the custom made pieces I know will give us absolute comfort, last a lifetime, be pieces that will be passed onto the boys one day and will allow us to relax in our own spaces for the first time ever. Gosh that feels good to get off my chest 😄
Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment Lisa. I totally understand the guilt and shame we are often taught to feel around desires and wants, but I genuinely believe that even writing them down as a list as often as you can really starts to shift that feeling.
I also still battle with pricing. I know what my work and time is worth and should be worth, but I also want to be available to anyone who wants to work with me, even if they can't afford it. I decided to charge what I feel is right to clients, but also to work for free with women who could never afford it too.
Well done for naming those wants, keep doing so! And looking forward to seeing your interior design business grow :)
Oh there's lots here isn't there! Wanting can feel too selfish, or too much for some of us. Saying 'I would like' gives us the opportunity to back out, to say that we weren't bothered, or didn't really want it. It's a tentative, asking of something, rather than a demand for something we deserve. I think self-worth comes into this a lot, not just around how easy it is for us to communicate our wants, but also to know which wants are positively impacting us, and which are not.
Exactly! Like if we say we want it, then we'll feel shame if we don't get it. Again, I think journaling can be such a good first step because nobody else has to know, and we can be free to own what we truly desire deep down. The fear that comes up with even writing them though can already be intense!
Yes! I love testing out new ways of being in my journal, in a safe space where noone else will see! There are so many unconscious messages we've received as women around our desires and needs, that I think even when we're alone it can feel like everyone can hear us!
A really interesting piece. Something I think I really needed to question - why is 'I would like' so much better than 'I want' and what else does this make us think about wanting/desiring things?
Lovely article Tamzin. I always substitute want for would like. I was bought up to conform, behave, be a good girl, etc. Still working on that 😆 Sooooo.... I want to earn enough from my illustration work to give up (again 🙄) my day job that allows me and my family to thrive. And I don’t want to work all the hours to achieve that!
Hi Emily, I totally understand that! It's hard to start saying I want. If I were you, write this statement down or say it to yourself in the mirror every day until you get really comfortable saying it out loud. Shout it! And add to it, what else do you want? What would that financial freedom give you? What joy would it provide you with to be a full-time illustrator? And why? The more detailed and precise we get, the better, and I think that also makes it easier to pursue the goal too.
Also, I was talking with a client last week about how they can separate their day job from the more creative side they want to put more time into - I know how frustrating it can be when it feels like all of your energy is going into something that isn't what you want. If that's the case, let me know because I have an article that could help with that.
Ok, so first read this, and then come back to the following questions. This was my first ever newsletter from before I had a Substack! https://tamzin.substack.com/p/energy
1. How full is your bathtub? What is the quality of the water? If it is empty or murky, what could you do to rectify that? What makes you feel excited/energised that you could perhaps find more time for? (even five minute things like going outside for fresh air very quickly)
2. Write a list of all of the drains. Are there any that could be plugged? Is there a situation/person/job that you could limit contact with or put up some boundaries so that the drain isn't quite so overwhelming?
3. Write a list of where you'd like your energy to flow. How much attention is going into those things right now? How could you direct more of your energy into those things?
So thought provoking. I think I have many blocks because when I asked myself what it is that I actually want, I came up blank. As a mum, a wife and everything in between, my wants are often not at the top of the list and so I don’t give it much thought.
Leave it with me though! I’m going to ponder this today and see what I come up with. I’ll let you know 😊
Exactly, we so often have to put other people or tasks first and not even pause to consider what we want. Do you like journaling? Because I think it really can help in this instance, just write, "I want..." and see what comes. If you're still struggling, think of the something extravagant that seems impossible to come true, something luxurious or a chance meeting with someone you're a huge fan of, etc!
That sounds like a good one! Any way you can make it happen sometime soon? And I do believe we can learn to tell the guilt to leave the room, though it takes some repetition...
"If you realise your dreams, you’ll show others that they can too. If you own your seemingly ‘greedy’ desires, you’ll show those around you that it isn’t actually greedy, at all." Reminds of Glennon Doyle talking about the fact there is no such thing as one way liberation. Needed this reminder that it's not selfish to talk about what we want, especially as women.
These days, my truest want is financial freedom and security. I want to live comfortably, get paid for my artistic work, and be able to regularly support communities in need.
This is what's so beautiful about people like us owning our desire for financial freedom, so often we want to be able to support others with it too. It's the selfish and the selfless at play together, in harmony! We want to earn for our creative work because we are worthy of that while also wanting to earn to be in a position to help others. Magic!
I remember being told ‘I want never gets’ when I was very small and I never forgot it. As a child I remember using the words ‘I would like’ when I really wanted to say I want but thought that would jinx me! The message can be reinforced so frequently it’s taken on deeply, the women I work with find it incredibly difficult to ask for what they want, sometimes to even know what they want.
Exactly! I think writing lists constantly is a good way to reinforce it, to remind ourselves that it is perfectly okay to have wants (I mean, so often, they are just needs rather than wants, aren't they? But again, we're taught not to need either), and to begin to articulate them for ourselves. I still have trouble saying it out loud in company, but I own what I want so much more easily now.
Tamzin this is brilliant. Loved the way you have framed our desires and the guilt that often comes with them. It’s something I’ve been doing some work on myself of late. I grew up in a catholic household and education, where by, it was sinful to want or desire something that was more than you really needed. When we failed to achieve what we really wanted it was always ‘oh well it’s not meant to be’ that perpetual subconscious messaging that we are not meant to have more, be more has been a tough one to shake in my adult life.
Working in the interior design industry, which let’s face it is a high end service, I have struggled with pricing myself and the custom pieces that I make just to make it more affordable to a client but this has then jeopardised my own income. It’s been a tough one to navigate. I’m getting better but it’s hard.
What I want, really want is for our new home to be finished with all the custom made pieces I know will give us absolute comfort, last a lifetime, be pieces that will be passed onto the boys one day and will allow us to relax in our own spaces for the first time ever. Gosh that feels good to get off my chest 😄
Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment Lisa. I totally understand the guilt and shame we are often taught to feel around desires and wants, but I genuinely believe that even writing them down as a list as often as you can really starts to shift that feeling.
I also still battle with pricing. I know what my work and time is worth and should be worth, but I also want to be available to anyone who wants to work with me, even if they can't afford it. I decided to charge what I feel is right to clients, but also to work for free with women who could never afford it too.
Well done for naming those wants, keep doing so! And looking forward to seeing your interior design business grow :)
Oh there's lots here isn't there! Wanting can feel too selfish, or too much for some of us. Saying 'I would like' gives us the opportunity to back out, to say that we weren't bothered, or didn't really want it. It's a tentative, asking of something, rather than a demand for something we deserve. I think self-worth comes into this a lot, not just around how easy it is for us to communicate our wants, but also to know which wants are positively impacting us, and which are not.
Exactly! Like if we say we want it, then we'll feel shame if we don't get it. Again, I think journaling can be such a good first step because nobody else has to know, and we can be free to own what we truly desire deep down. The fear that comes up with even writing them though can already be intense!
Yes! I love testing out new ways of being in my journal, in a safe space where noone else will see! There are so many unconscious messages we've received as women around our desires and needs, that I think even when we're alone it can feel like everyone can hear us!
Like we still feel shame around them just by admitting it to ourselves! But not anymore!
A really interesting piece. Something I think I really needed to question - why is 'I would like' so much better than 'I want' and what else does this make us think about wanting/desiring things?
Thank you :)
Thank you! And I agree, it's so interesting to notice how a suble change in langage actually has a far deeper impact on us. Words hold power!
Lovely article Tamzin. I always substitute want for would like. I was bought up to conform, behave, be a good girl, etc. Still working on that 😆 Sooooo.... I want to earn enough from my illustration work to give up (again 🙄) my day job that allows me and my family to thrive. And I don’t want to work all the hours to achieve that!
Hi Emily, I totally understand that! It's hard to start saying I want. If I were you, write this statement down or say it to yourself in the mirror every day until you get really comfortable saying it out loud. Shout it! And add to it, what else do you want? What would that financial freedom give you? What joy would it provide you with to be a full-time illustrator? And why? The more detailed and precise we get, the better, and I think that also makes it easier to pursue the goal too.
Also, I was talking with a client last week about how they can separate their day job from the more creative side they want to put more time into - I know how frustrating it can be when it feels like all of your energy is going into something that isn't what you want. If that's the case, let me know because I have an article that could help with that.
Thanks Tamzin, I'd love to read that article. It's such a tricky balance and on top of work and passion, there's all the other life stuff to do too.
Ok, so first read this, and then come back to the following questions. This was my first ever newsletter from before I had a Substack! https://tamzin.substack.com/p/energy
1. How full is your bathtub? What is the quality of the water? If it is empty or murky, what could you do to rectify that? What makes you feel excited/energised that you could perhaps find more time for? (even five minute things like going outside for fresh air very quickly)
2. Write a list of all of the drains. Are there any that could be plugged? Is there a situation/person/job that you could limit contact with or put up some boundaries so that the drain isn't quite so overwhelming?
3. Write a list of where you'd like your energy to flow. How much attention is going into those things right now? How could you direct more of your energy into those things?
Hope that might be helpful!
Wow Tamzin!
So thought provoking. I think I have many blocks because when I asked myself what it is that I actually want, I came up blank. As a mum, a wife and everything in between, my wants are often not at the top of the list and so I don’t give it much thought.
Leave it with me though! I’m going to ponder this today and see what I come up with. I’ll let you know 😊
Exactly, we so often have to put other people or tasks first and not even pause to consider what we want. Do you like journaling? Because I think it really can help in this instance, just write, "I want..." and see what comes. If you're still struggling, think of the something extravagant that seems impossible to come true, something luxurious or a chance meeting with someone you're a huge fan of, etc!
I want to lie in bed for a day watching Netflix without feeling guilty
That sounds like a good one! Any way you can make it happen sometime soon? And I do believe we can learn to tell the guilt to leave the room, though it takes some repetition...
Beautiful Tazmin
Thank you Chris! I appreciate that 😊