In a session with a client last week, I noticed that there was something that she really, really wanted — a deep desire or dream — but she couldn’t say it out loud. The block preventing her from speaking about it was like a separate presence in the room, so it took some time to coax her to put it into words, and when she did, it was immediately followed with all of the reasons not to want it, with why it won’t come true, and with how she’s happy to settle for less.
This difficulty of saying what we want, for so many of us, runs deep. I see it all of the time, not only with clients, but also in conversations with friends, and it can happen to me too.
Of course, there are a few reasons for not admitting our desires, even to ourselves. If we do, we also have to acknowledge the pain of the gap where they haven’t been fulfilled, and the potential disappointment or sadness of never achieving them, so it’s just easier to pretend that they don’t exist in the first place. This fear shows up and blocks us in so many ways, but I won’t go into it today as it requires a whole separate post.
Much of the struggle comes from conditioning. When I grew up, saying ‘I want’ was simply not on. We were taught to say ‘I would like,’ instead. I’m still not sure why the conditional is considered to be so much more polite, but so it is — simple shifts in language make a huge difference to interpretation.
‘Want’ implies greed.
‘Want’ implies lack. If there’s lack, we should be grateful for what we have rather than want for more, so again it implies greed. Also, I think there’s a level of shame here — nobody wants to publicly admit where they’re lacking.
‘Want’ implies demand — which is downright rude.
‘Would like’ on the other hand, seems more ladylike, patient, and ready to accept whatever in return. ‘Would like’ is easy to refuse.
While Want is loud and brash, Would like has a quiet little voice and waits politely at the back of queue.
I’ve always been one of those obstinate people who never struggled to admit, at least to myself, that there are a lot of things I dream of, or hope for (see how, even here, I find it hard to write, ‘a lot of things I want’?). My heart speaks loud and clear, and I could never manage to ignore it. Inwardly, at least, I own all of my desires, and outwardly, I pursue them to the best of my ability (one could argue I fall a little short here, I do seem to spend a lot of time faffing about).
I’m not explicit about what I want, but my friends tell me that I do have high standards and that they admire my refusal to settle for less than what will make me happy. Even so, that voice still shows up, especially when it comes to things that aren’t strictly necessary, or seem like an indulgence — like going for a massage or buying new shoes when I don’t need new shoes — something inside just loves to remind me that I’m lucky, that I have a roof over my head etc, so check your privilege and be sure not to let anyone see that you’re asking for more!
You know what? Enough of that.
Life is short and we are allowed to want more than having our basic needs met — to have the best possible experience while we’re here, whether we desire a dream career, a fantastic relationship, or material and ‘unnecessary’ things.
‘Want’ does not need to imply greed or selfishness. This is what it comes down to — there is, somehow, an assumption that wanting for ourselves means we aren’t considering the needs of everyone else, which simply isn’t true. I know that I, and everyone I know, wants more fervently, sometimes desperately, for the collective than we do for ourselves.
We know that we want women to be safe, we want freedom for all, we want the environment to be protected and animals to be treated with respect. So if it’s OK to want others to prosper — why isn’t it OK to want to prosper ourselves?
We can want for our loved ones/friends/strangers to be healthy and happy, and also want financial freedom for ourselves. We can want for nobody to be hungry, homeless, lonely or sad, and also want to stay in a luxurious hotel. One doesn’t cancel out the other.
Remember, if you succeed, you’re more likely to be in a position to help others to succeed too, and you’ll be in a position to give back to the collective too. If you realise your dreams, you’ll show others that they can too. If you own your seemingly ‘greedy’ desires, you’ll show those around you that it isn’t actually greedy, at all.
As long as your desire isn’t hurting anyone else or the planet, go ahead and want it.
Let me know by hitting reply or in the comments, what’s ONE THING you want right now? No shame, just say it.
If you struggle with admitting/thinking about or even knowing what you want, try to write a list.
What do you want right now in this moment?
What do you want to happen in the next few months?
What do you want to achieve?
What do you want for the people you love?
What do you want for the whole world?
If the inner voice tries to tell you that you’ll never get what you want, or that it’s wrong to even want it in the first place, kindly tell it where to go, take a deep breath, and carry on.
Until next week,
Tamzin xx
"If you realise your dreams, you’ll show others that they can too. If you own your seemingly ‘greedy’ desires, you’ll show those around you that it isn’t actually greedy, at all." Reminds of Glennon Doyle talking about the fact there is no such thing as one way liberation. Needed this reminder that it's not selfish to talk about what we want, especially as women.
These days, my truest want is financial freedom and security. I want to live comfortably, get paid for my artistic work, and be able to regularly support communities in need.
I remember being told ‘I want never gets’ when I was very small and I never forgot it. As a child I remember using the words ‘I would like’ when I really wanted to say I want but thought that would jinx me! The message can be reinforced so frequently it’s taken on deeply, the women I work with find it incredibly difficult to ask for what they want, sometimes to even know what they want.